How to find a Husband or a Wife

Lesson #2 Who will I choose

(Study taken from the book “Dating or Courting” by Allen Jones)

In this lesson we are continuing our study on how to find a spouse. At some point when you are ready to get married young men will have to start looking for a wife and young ladies will have to start considering young men for a husband. The question will then be, how will I know which one to choose? This is a very important question as we have. As shown in the previous lesson the flesh is very deceitful and may fool you into trying to get what it wants and not want would be good for you or what God would have for your life. In this lesson we will look at some things that you can do to help you with your choice. We will also look at some people that are scripturally not right for a saved person desiring to serve God. As you will see it is usually easier to see who is wrong for you than to see who is right for you.

Proverbs 19:14 “Houses and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD.

We listed this verse because it teaches us several things in regards to finding a spouse. First of all the Lord has to be considered in the process. If you are saved and trying to serve the Lord then you must carefully consider what God would have to say about a particular person. Next we see that if there is a wife from the Lord then there is probably one out there from another source. What we mean by this is that the devil would love to get a young Christian lady hooked up with the wrong guy as well as getting a young Christian man hooked up with the wrong girl. Both of these situations can have disastrous effects both in the family life and in their spiritual walk with the Lord. Note also it says a “prudent wife” not a perfect wife. There are no perfect husbands and no perfect wives. Today people are so caught up with looks and physical characteristics, or how much money a person has or what kind of life style than can provide for them that they totally overlook the real things that make marriage enjoyable and lasting. A definition of prudent is cautious, circumspect, practically wise, and careful of the consequences of enterprises, measures or actions. Also cautious not to act when the end is of doubtful utility, or probably impracticable. Remember guys what good is beauty if she can’t cook, clean, or be faithful and girls what good is money or popularity if he treats you like a hired servant?

Steps to helping you find the right spouse:

1)  Humility – We must humble ourselves and be in subjection to the Lord Jesus Christ.

• If we desire the spouse that God would have for us then it will begin with humbling ourselves to his will and his word. How can we except to find God’s will in the matter if we are not willing to humble ourselves unto him?
• Remember what it says in the book of Proverbs, pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.

2)  Obedience – We must be in obedience to God’s word concerning the matter.

• How can we expect God to bless something if we are breaking his word in the process? For instance in a later lesson we will see that young ladies and young men when courting should follow the rules laid out to them by their parents as well as the parents of the person they are courting. This is scriptural according to Ephesians 6:1-3. Now if we break God’s word by not obeying our parents then how can we expect God to bless us in finding the right spouse.

3)  Sacrifice – We must be willing to put God’s will above our own wants and wishes.

• There may come a time when through the counsel of your parents, pastor, or directly from the Lord himself that it becomes clear to you that a particular person even though they are saved and going to church may not be right for you but the problem is you care for them very deeply. Then it will be a sacrifice to do what God says but in the end you will always be better off for it even if you can’t see it right now.

You will have to prepare yourself for the above things well before you start the process of looking for a spouse, and when you are willing to do these, that is one of the ways that you can use to know you are ready for marriage.

Who is not right for us?

As stated earlier it is usually easier to figure out who is not right for us than it is to figure out who is the right one. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 we have a passage that can help us out in this area. Now remember the passage is talking about more than just husbands and wives but we will apply it in this study to picking a spouse.

Those who are wrong for us:

1)  Unbelievers (Verse14)

• It should be clear to saved people that a lost person should not even be considered as a possible mate. The passage says what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness and Amos 3:3 is another good passage on the subject.
• Some Christians consider lost people with the hopes of getting them saved, and while there are rare exceptions where this does happen there are many times where it does not. Having a lost husband can be very hard on a saved wife; he may not want her to go to church services or special functions or even let her give money to the church. And having a lost wife can be just as much trouble either way they will always be hindering your service for the Lord in some capacity.
• Another point that needs to be made here is that it is not just enough that a person be saved they should have the same beliefs as you do in regards to the word of God and especially doctrine. For example what if Dad believes one thing and the mother believes something else, they could just agree to disagree but what about what they will teach their kids. Who will be right and who will be wrong?
• It is best to have a spouse that is saved and is of the same denomination as you and believes the same bible as you and the same doctrine also.

2)  Belial (Verse 15)

• The name means “worthless fellows”. The name is also used in connection with satan. Some have said it is connected with Lord of the Flies, if this is so we can make the connection that flies like things that are filthy and carry filth from one place to another.
• A saved young lady should not want a worthless fellow, nor should a saved young man want a woman connected with filth or things that are filthy.
• What is scary about these types of people is the fact that they can be religious but not spiritual. A good example is Eli’s sons in 1 Samuel 2:12. So you have to be very careful and this is where the counsel of your parents and pastor will be very valuable because they are not emotionally attached and can see things that you cannot.
• Regardless of how you feel about a person you must ask yourself these questions, are there any characteristics in them that will make a good husband or wife, mother or father, can they support me will they be faithful etc. If the answer is no then you have no business with them.
• Characteristics of these kinds of people are Rudeness, Crudeness, Selfishness, Pride, Arrogance, Immaturity, Rebellion, Wickedness, etc.

3)  Infidels (Verse 15)

• Many today use this word to refer to unbelievers but they have already been mentioned in the passage. If you look at the root words that make up this word you can see that it can also mean “unfaithful”.
• You should avoid unfaithful people. If a person claims to be saved and yet they are unfaithful in the things of God what makes you think that they will be faithful in the things of marriage or even you.
• You should want someone who is faithful in reading there bible, praying, and active in the church and its functions. Remember they will either help or hinder your own walk with the Lord.
• If they are unfaithful before marriage whether in worldly things or spiritual things marriage is not going to magically make them faithful.

4)  Idols (Verse 16)

• An idol is anything that comes between you and God. A saved person should not want a spouse that is going to put themselves between them and God.
• Note in Colossians 3:5 that idolatry is covetousness. If you are considering someone and they are the type of person who always has to have it their way or gets mad every time something doesn’t go their way they are covetous and immature. Marriage will not change that.
• In a successful marriage there will be a lot of sacrifices made by both parties and when you get one who is not willing to give up anything you will have serious trouble.

How to find a Husband or a Wife

Lesson #2 Who will I choose : Handout

(Study taken from the book “Dating or Courting” by Allen Jones)

1)  What are two important things that we can see from Proverbs 19:14?

2)  What are three specific things we are going to have to do in order to find the spouse that God would have us to have?

3)  What is a good passage for showing us who is not right for us?

4)  List the 4 groups we should avoid based on the passage in the answer to #3 and give reason for why we should avoid them.