How to find a Husband or a Wife
(Study taken from the book “Dating or Courting” by Allen Jones)
In this series we are going to be looking at the subject of how to find a wife or a husband. A spouse from the Lord is truly a blessing from the Lord especially in the lives of born again believers. In this study we will compare primarily two different ways of finding a spouse. One is the worldly way of casually dating until you find someone that you think is the one for you. The other is a simpler way, and it is being submitted to the will of God in the matter and carefully seeking a spouse under the direction of your parents, pastor and most importantly the word of God. This last way we will refer to as courting.
It is true that God instituted marriage between a man and a woman in Genesis 2:18-25. The word of God says that God created woman to be a help meet for the man. Then Adam is quoted saying, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. There are a couple of things that we see from this passage, first it is normal for a man to desire a wife and when he finds one he leaves his father and his mother and is joined unto his wife. Also note the man is the one who is said to leave not the woman. Have you ever wondered why it is the man who is supposed to propose to the woman and not the other way around? Remember everything comes from the word of God in some way or another, and when people are constantly trying to change the natural order of things it will be because they are in opposition to God’s word.
There are also two other good verses in the Old Testament about finding a wife. Proverbs 18:22 says that whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Now to find a wife it is true one must be looking to find a wife, but this is why we are looking at this study because there is a wrong way and place to look for a wife and young people today need to be shown what is the right way concerning this process. Also in Proverbs 19:14 we see that a prudent wife is form the Lord. This is very interesting because if there is a wife from the Lord then there is also probably one from the devil. How many lives and families not to mention ministries have been destroyed because of people getting out of the will of God in regards to marriage? The devil loves to destroy young people with the subject of dating and marriage this is why we must look diligently as what the word of God has to say and be willing to follow it in our lives.
All one has to do is to look at the divorce rate, marriage problems, teenage pregnancies, and overall morals of our country to see that the modern way of dating and finding a spouse does not seem to be working very well. You may not agree with everything in this study and I know that there are different ways of finding a spouse and there are always going to be rare exceptions, but we must admit that there has to be a better way than the way the world is headed.
As mentioned earlier we will look at two terms for this study dating and courting. Let us take time to define them here.
Dating – Worldly term for boys and girls spending time with each other in a semi-private or private environment for the purpose of sensual or fleshly stimulation.
( As Allen Jones said it so well in his book, “If someone argues the point of it is just the company of the opposite sex I am after and not sexual stimulation then tell them to hold their sister’s hand” pg. 7)
Courting – Two young people seeking God will in finding a mate by spending time together in safe environments with the consent of their parents, pastor and with an appropriate chaperone.
Many kids and sadly many adults will scream how boring or old fashion is that definition but that just proves the point that they are wanting to date and not to court.
Why standards are important?
Everyone has standards of some kind; the difference is that one person standards are either higher or lower than someone else’s. When a person starts to look for a spouse then they will have to have some standards or they will pick just anyone. We will deal with these standards later in the series but note that you need to develop these standards as soon as possible because it will help you in avoiding and developing a relationship with the wrong person and then having to break it off with many hurt feeling and sometimes expensive consequences.
In developing these standards we will have to have some authorities not just our feeling or emotions remember the heart is deceitful and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). What are some of the authorities we should have in regards to finding a spouse and setting up our standards for doing so?
1) The word of God (Romans 12:1-2)
- The word of God is the most important thing for a saved person. And as we see in the passage from Romans we are to present ourselves as a living sacrifice. That means we should follow the word of God instead of our own thoughts, wants, or feelings.
2) Our Parents (Ephesians 6:1-3)
- We are told to honor our parents and to obey our parents. How can we ask God to bless us in the process of finding a spouse if we are disobeying his word in the process.
3) Our Pastors (Hebrews 13:17)
- God gives us pastors to help in the process of finding a spouse. Pastors sometimes know things that they cannot tell anyone else concerning a certain person, therefore we should diligently consider their counsel and be willing to follow it. Also God gives them discernment sometimes that we will not have because they are not emotionally involved in the process.
How to find a Husband or a Wife
Introduction : Handout
1) What is a good passage of scripture for showing that God instituted marriage between a man and a woman?
2) List two verses that are important for us to consider when we are looking at the word of God in regards to finding a wife.
3) Give the two terms that we will use frequently throughout this series and give a short definition for them.
4) What is an example of a Standard and why are they important in this matter?
5) List our authorities that must be considered in forming our standards and finding a spouse.